Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
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Jesus Christ lmao
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
ACED my prostate exam!
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it