DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

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DATE: *gets in car*

ME: hi *starts driving*

DATE: how’s it going?

ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons


A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.


Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.


Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”


Me: Everything isn’t about you.


[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then


[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’


It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.


Guys, you can have Girl Scout cookies delivered.

I’m not crying, you’re crying.