DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.


I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.


Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.


If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again


Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?


I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.


“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.