@sensual_dad

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

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@Lisabug74

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

@GetCougarized

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

@AintNoFamily

Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.

@reallifemommy3

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

@Darlainky

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

@Jarhead44

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

@Gupton68

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.