DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
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“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
still the best tweet of the year by far
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out