DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
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You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends