Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
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my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Catercrombie & Fish
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills