The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
You Might Also Like
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat