@FeelingMervis

DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.

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@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

@TheBoydP

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

@3dog101

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

@BoutCrazed

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

@ShawnIzadi

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.