Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
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ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
RT if you could go either way.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.