*jumps from plane*
*grabs onto flying squirrel*
*lives to tell the tale*
DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.
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Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna
me: love it
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
*clouds turn to fire*
If I’m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister