@FeelingMervis

DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.

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@DumbConfessions

*jumps from plane*

*forgets parachute*

*grabs onto flying squirrel*

*lives to tell the tale*

@BoomBoomBetty

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

@GrantTanaka

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

@mrjohndarby

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

@KalvinMacleod

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

@SteveInevitable

If I’m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet

@Ivsy01

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

@Jennuflect

*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
*text chime*
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?

@slimmy_shady

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister