My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.
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Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Me: how was your day?
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
the opposite of a charles manson is a nicole kidman
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.