Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
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[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance