I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.
No one suspects the “happy couple.”
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Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!
Thanksgiving at the Primes
Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.