Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
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The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
NASA has no chill
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit