Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
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[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.