Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
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Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
time machine? you mean a clock?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine