Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.