@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

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@simoncholland

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

@Mr_DrEsquire

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

@bartandsoul

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

@ADDiane

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

@Amber_duds

For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I’m terrified to Web MD this. I’m too young to have kittens.

@Kyle_Raney

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

@sonictyrant

The hard part was giving my homing pigeons dysentery. Training them to follow my boss on his morning run was a piece of cake.

@FredTaming

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

@sween

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.