I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[Dating week 1]
Me: I’ll have a salad and a glass of water, watching my figure ahaha
[Dating week 4]
Me: I will have one of every item on the Taco Bell menu and ALL the coffee you can find within a fifty mile radius do NOT disappoint me
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Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”