@SimplySnaccbar

[Dating week 1]

Me: I’ll have a salad and a glass of water, watching my figure ahaha

[Dating week 4]

Me: I will have one of every item on the Taco Bell menu and ALL the coffee you can find within a fifty mile radius do NOT disappoint me

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@batkaren

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

@Gre_Gone

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

@Hella_Rad

sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

@Carbosly

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

@ObscureGent

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

@3sunzzz

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”