[Dating week 1]

Me: I’ll have a salad and a glass of water, watching my figure ahaha

[Dating week 4]

Me: I will have one of every item on the Taco Bell menu and ALL the coffee you can find within a fifty mile radius do NOT disappoint me

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[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it


HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent


My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat


If I can see your boner I’m going to acknowledge it with a subtle head nod. Respect.


Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.


Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.


Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.


Pretty sure Zinedine Zidane never forgave his parents for all the waiting he had to do for his attendance call in school.