@squirrel74wkgn [at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
@SimplySnaccbar [Dating week 1]
Me: I’ll have a salad and a glass of water, watching my figure ahaha
[Dating week 4]
Me: I will have one of every item on the Taco Bell menu and ALL the coffee you can find within a fifty mile radius do NOT disappoint me
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@squirrel74wkgn 
@Marlinaire Trail mix? You mean M&M’s with obstacles.
@AndyAsAdjective HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
@blaha_Who My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
@mishakey If I can see your boner I’m going to acknowledge it with a subtle head nod. Respect.
@garrettbarry70 Just shook a piece of cellophane off my finger and now I’m exhausted.
@LuvPug Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
@gorrdano Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
@Pork_Chop_Hair Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
@Sychlops Pretty sure Zinedine Zidane never forgave his parents for all the waiting he had to do for his attendance call in school.