Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
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I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
pls suprot
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it