Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.
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when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”