@CandyEmpires

Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.

You Might Also Like

@perlhack

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

@DarkerWillow

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

@Jeffwni

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

@Sadieisonfire

I put Infinite Warfare on Craigslist and of course I’m getting the geniuses texting me

@chimneyspotter

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

@Jenny4ashley

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

@Jake_Vig

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

@jjhartinger

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

@Lerky

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”