Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
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I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
☠️☠️☠️
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.