@pilau

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

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@VodkaThursday

In 5 yrs I will be drinking from a crystal decanter discussing affairs & murders in my upper middle class community. Also, I will have a hat

@robfee

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

@CHUUZUZ

It’s been 7 years since Prince told Kim Kardashian to get off the stage.

@GaryJanetti

“I’m a model.” I see. And does anybody else know that?

@MandiAtRandom

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

@britrbennett

Witnessed the best party exit of my life yesterday: an adult told the six-year-old, “I like your unicorn backpack.” The girl paused on the steps and, without even casting a backwards glance, said, “Maybe you can get one someday.” Then she disappeared through the doggy door