[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
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Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.