Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
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I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche