@_b1p0larbear

Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.

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@iamdevinwagner

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

@SomthinBoutSara

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

@treydayway

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

@Sean_Burgundy_

Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad?

Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?

@mydmac

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

@WheelTod

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

@smhluckyme

Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?

Romeo: God woman, can I just take a shit in peace?