DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly


ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

You Might Also Like


I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.


i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year


After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.


wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right


Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!


Your sign says “NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE”, so it seems highly unfair that you kicked me out for not wearing pants.


“Seek immediate medical help if you experience a resurrection lasting more than 2000 years.”


do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify


A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids