DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
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Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Good morning.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.