@fowlerism

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

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@baeblacksheep

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

@ErinChack

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

@timdonakowski

After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.

@IndecisiveJones

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

@marknorm

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

@arielleBigBlue

Your sign says “NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE”, so it seems highly unfair that you kicked me out for not wearing pants.

@ScottLinnen

“Seek immediate medical help if you experience a resurrection lasting more than 2000 years.”

@teenpuke

do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify

@debon7

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids