Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
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If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.