@TheBoydP
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
@NewDadNotes
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
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@TheBoydP
@AskCharlesA
Offline Twitter.
@0point5twins
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
@Neauxpe
Anytime a religious organization follows me I just assume I’m being used as a case study/example and they are praying super hard.
@DumbConfessions
I love Alfredo sauce.
Unless you’re a dude named Alfredo.
@markedly
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
@Marlebean
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
@Cpin42
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
@Bob_Janke
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
@Irish_Dinosaur
“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”