Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
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I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End