Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
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The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Word!
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying