@sophielou

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

- @sophielou

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@cee_ryan

My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for “best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??”

@hermanntrude

Amish friend sets up a divider across the tent.

Me: what are you doing?

AF: You’re not amish. I am supposed to shun you. We may not sleep under the same roof.

Me: you’re going to hell, you know. The road to hell is paved with good in-tent shuns

*Shunning intensifies*

@curlycomedy

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

@geowizzacist

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

@Tharin_P

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

@KenJennings

My son just told me he wouldn’t kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he’s a Nazi or just a nerd

@Brampersandon_

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

@murrman5

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

@DopeyTweeter

Me: Your baby looks funny.
Her: That’s my dog.
M: Yeah.. uh huh.
H: …
M: I’d tell everyone it was my dog too if my baby looked like that.