Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
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Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.