Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
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She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
*me flirting
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.