daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
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gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
this is what they would have looked like, though
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands