@stuckinaportal

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

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@HeatherAntos

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

@shkeeber

One time I intentionally asked a thin woman “when she was due” because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m into extreme sports.

@rickygervais

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

@jamiesont

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

@Poutymcgee

Friend: *passes me her newborn baby*

Me: What is this clothed potato and why have you given it to me?

@KamaroPayne

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?