Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
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[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
When I laugh on my period
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Follow me for more fitness tips.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.