My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
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Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
not to brag, but mine was free
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
grotesque if literal: baby food
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.