getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
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Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
My neck my back my allergy attack
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.