daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
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People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”