daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
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My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”