Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

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COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.


Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.


[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.


My boss said that we could go outside during the solar eclipse, but no time limit was given

*takes 8 hour lunch break
*raids liquor store


My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.


A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.


The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.


Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.


*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*