Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
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Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Employees must applaud the planets.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.