Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
what the
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.