Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

Gemma Correll

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..