*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
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*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
oh its a thesaurus
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
*leaves one cupcake in work kitchen*
*watches live version of Hunger Games*
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Inventor: so a flying balloon
Me: i’m with you
Inventor: big flame over your head
Me: sounds good
Inventor: no steering
Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket
Me: i’m in
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then