Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
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wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that