Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
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[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No