@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

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@ddsmidt

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

@pleatedjeans

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

@slimmy_shady

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

@anthonyjeselnik

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

@iinkedZombie

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

@donjuantip

ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.

@ArfMeasures

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

@KateWhineHall

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

@GoldenSpirals

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No