Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
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Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.