Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
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“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.