Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

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Twitter, because my work isn’t just going to ignore itself.


I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.


[end credits roll]

“I did not see that coming”

“Dude that was titanic”


Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.


I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.


I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do… I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.


“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.


god: behold, my creatio–
people: some rocks are more important than others
god: what?
people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock