Twitter, because my work isn’t just going to ignore itself.
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
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I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[end credits roll]
“I did not see that coming”
“Dude that was titanic”
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do… I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
god: behold, my creatio–
people: some rocks are more important than others
people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock