[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
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Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.