daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
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wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
dam girl
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now