@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

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@jergarl

OMG
I love you
You’re the best
You left me
Did you bring me stuff
OMG
Anything I don’t care
Where have you been
I smell someone else

-Dogs

@junejuly12

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

@CulturedRuffian

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

@Dre_77_

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

@pinupteacher

The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.

@bossy_bootz

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

@DurtMcHurtt

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.