I love you
You’re the best
You left me
Did you bring me stuff
Anything I don’t care
Where have you been
I smell someone else
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
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ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
The “Ooooo” the audience makes during a sitcom kiss but for me when I finally take a shower.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.