@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

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@abasketofcraig

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

@13spencer

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

@BoogTweets

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

@TheOnion

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

@StinkyGr33n

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

@Social_Mime

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

@MisterBombay

Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

@T_Bonezzz

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

@david8hughes

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind