Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
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A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?
Whatever it is, I’m that
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind