Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
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It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.