Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
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A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.