Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
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to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Gods work.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.