Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
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In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm