Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
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Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I’m so full I could puke a horse
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.